Rituals

Being positive (in both senses) means learning new ways to change one’s habits of desire – how we eat, how we live, how we love, all these things have an effect on our immune system. Creating rituals to help make and maintain these changes is vital – that is, they are literally life-giving.
Rituals do not have to be fancy affairs, requiring vestments and investments of time and money. They can be quite simple – taking three deep breaths before eating breakfast, for example. Simple rituals are the easiest to integrate into one’s life. In other words, starting small works.
Somehow making a ritual of daily tasks can lessen the drudgery of them. Perhaps that is because focusing attention on one thing at a time makes that thing take on a certain importance. For instance, I have a morning ablution ritual that consists of washing my face and hands first thing when I get up. It helps get the sleep out of my eyes and wakes me up. I breathe through it and think of nothing else, staying present to the idea of washing away the past and bringing myself into the present.
Over time, I began to add on rituals, some small, some big. For a while in the late 90s, I was waking up with cramps in my legs, feeling anxious about the coming day, the state of my health, all the things I had to do – would I be up to it? Would my energy last?
I found that if I did a little yoga, or simply stretching, first thing (after washing my face, of course), I felt better. I knew when I woke up that I wouldn’t have to face the day immediately; I had my rituals to perform first. By the time I was done with them, I felt better, more alive and much less anxious. I was ready to face the day.
I also found that, besides clearing my head, stretching in the morning gave me an appetite. This was very important to me because I had to give up my yummy breakfasts of pancakes or scrambled eggs with cheese in favor of more heart-healthy alternatives like oatmeal. I wasn’t a great fan of oatmeal but it tastes much better if you’re hungry. (Also if you put strawberries, blueberries, half a banana and some slivered almonds, which is what I do now).
The breakfast ritual is all-important. There is plenty of evidence to show that eating a good breakfast gives one more energy for the start of the day. Rushing through your breakfast while mentally multi-tasking can do as much harm as good. It impairs your digestion and can stress you out. It doesn’t take that long to cook and eat a bowl of oatmeal, at least not so long that you have to feel that time is wasted if you’re not doing something else as well.
I remember reading a book at breakfast called “The Buddha Says.” Each page had a single saying by the Buddha that I would think about while eating breakfast. Often I impatiently flipped through the pages and read several, if not many. Then one day, while I was eating my syrup-laden pancakes (this was before I switched to oatmeal), I turned the page to see this saying: The Buddha says… when you eat, just eat.
It made me realize that I was consuming the sayings of the Buddha like I was my breakfast – without paying attention. From then on I made an effort to “just eat” by making a kind of ritual of it. I found that it slowed me down, making the food taste better and improving my digestion. Now I’m almost always the last one done when I dine with friends and they invariably say something like, “I wish I didn’t wolf down my food but savored it like you.” I tell them: “This you can do. It just takes a little practice.”
A little practice – those three little words carry a big message. I practice a little yoga, a little patience, a little of this and a little of that and pretty soon it adds up to a better life, a healthier immune system and a happier me. I like using the word “practice” because it’s not about a goal or getting it perfectly right. It implies that you are in process, working towards something. You may never achieve absolute perfection (would you be human if you did?) but you are at least working towards it. That simple intention can shift your perspective in a way that makes life more enjoyable.
To create a ritual, you first have to set an intention. In my case, my morning rituals developed around the intention not to worry about my day before it even begins. How do I accomplish that? From that question came the simple idea of ritualizing morning practices by paying attention just to them and not letting my mind wander to a place of worry. This, of course, is not so easy to do at first – that’s why we practice! Eventually, though, it became second nature and I could look forward to my mornings when I lay down to sleep at night, instead of dreading the next day.
Intentions, like the rituals that come out of them, can be very simple. I find that if I approach any activity, from sex to housework, with an intention, the execution of that activity becomes more of a joy. I am realizing an intention and that feels good. It also gives meaning to things that could become rote and dull by repetition. (Yes, even sex can become rote, especially when you’re doing it alone.)
Setting intentions for yourself, even as basic as “Today I will smile more,” brings your behaviors into consciousness. We all get into routines where we sleepwalk through tasks, even through a whole day. “Where did the day go?” we might ask. I knew that was happening to me but I didn’t know how to change until I discovered the power of intention. Okay, I did exactly discover it; it was there all the time. Someone more evolved than me pointed out the power of intention and urged me to try it. I did and it worked!
It took a little practice, as does anything worth perfecting. I started out too big and got discouraged but I finally got the hang of it and began to understand how powerful a little intention and ritual could be. I began to set intentions for lots of things in my daily life and watched the practice blossom.
As a massage therapist, I started setting an intention before each massage. Sometimes it was just to give the person on the table the best massage I could but more often it evolved into responding to the client’s needs. If he seemed a little frazzled, I’d set an intention to bring calming energy into my work. If he seemed like he needed a little extra TLC, I’d set an intention to be nurturing. I used the same structure and techniques I always did but the intention colored the massage, gave it a flavor that it wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t set an intention. It was subtle but I could tell the difference – and so could my clients.
Each year, Positive Being holds a workshop for poz guys called “Exploring the Body Positive.” We cover a lot of territory but part of what we learn is how to bring touch and intention together to create ritual. Touch is a powerful tool but when teamed up with intention, it is magical. The rituals that come out of this magic bring knowledge, healing and joy.
You can create rituals in your daily life, maybe not as ecstatic, but certainly as effective. Try it – you have little to lose and so very much to gain.

The Power of Touch

Touch is the most primal and powerful of the senses. When it is good - when it is nurturing and loving - it’s ability to heal can be monumental.  It works wonders.

When I was gravely ill with AIDS, I suffered one loss after another. Neuropathy in my feet meant I could no longer drive, then wasting took away my ability even to walk. Side effects from drugs caused ringing in my ears and sight loss… but one thing remained as tangible as ever: touch. When everything else was failing, touch was the miracle worker that brought the world back to me.

Many was the time I arrived at the massage therapist’s, a jumble of nerves, beset by worry. As I shed my clothes and got on that table, though, the world started to fade. With the first touch of his (or her) hands, my troubles disappeared as I surrendered my earthly cares for a little bit of heaven. In those days, I was often so stressed when I showed up that I would fall asleep on the table – maybe the only hour of truly profound sleep I’d had all week. The transformation that touch could bring about in just an hour amazed me – and still amazes me.

I believe in the revitalizing power of touch to heal us physically, emotionally and spiritually and I urge you to support me and Positive Being in the practice of this belief.

Bringing touch to those with HIV is our way of supporting our community. Touch is so fundamental, especially when we’re young, because it’s how we learn to defend ourselves – how we learn not to burn or bruise or puncture ourselves. Studies show that babies and small children who get lots of touch thrive; they have a sense of security.

As adults, we need touch, too, although it’s not common to admit it in our culture. Without the loving touch of another, we can feel defenseless without knowing why. We tend to feel vulnerable and isolate ourselves from the outside world. We don’t thrive.

I know this from personal experience. Over a decade ago, during the worst of the epidemic, I felt vulnerable, isolated and, like so many of us, untouchable. But then getting massage regularly led to seeking out touch from others, exchanging touch with others, and finally becoming a massage therapist myself. Now I gladly give touch to others, as do all our volunteers, in hopes of healing and empowering those whom HIV has left feeling insecure, isolated and defenseless.

Over the last nine years, we’ve seen how touch has brought our clients back to their own bodies and a renewed self of self, helping them relate to other and re-engage with the community. We, like our clients, have experienced the healing power of touch.